I’m really not sure how or when I started interrupting, but I do know it’s been a part of me for a very long time. I also know how it has not served me well for a very long time, as well.
Interrupting, among other things, is a sign of not listening to the person I’m talking with. It’s also another, of many signs, of my impatience. It seems as if there’s a part of me crying out, “Oh, look, I’m smarter than you are. I can add more to this conversation than you can.” It’s about that part of me saying, “Look at me! I’m special! More special than you! I know more than you! I’m more deserving of attention than you!” It comes from that part of me still not wanting to believe I’m enough just as I am.
Here’s an example: I remember during my short marriage always wanting to chime in. Never really wanting to listen to my wife. Even though I’d waited until I was in my 50s to get married, I couldn’t wait for Robbie to finish whatever thought she had. Particularly when we had a disagreement. All of the voices I’ve delineated above had to have their say, and they had to have it right away. It was as if, knowing this was one of the smartest persons I’d met, I didn’t want to take the time to learn from her during a time (the disagreements) when I might have learned the most. If I’d just kept my mouth shut, and my ears open I might truly have gained some insight which would have proven useful. Alas, it was not to be in that case.
It is said, those things I dislike about myself are the very things I dislike in others. Knowing how much I interrupt, I’ve started paying attention to how it shows up in my life in my interactions with others.
Not interrupting is really about not paying attention. And, that has been something of a challenge for me. I have a tendency toward living my life at the speed of sound – the sound of my own voice. Listening, means staying focused on what the other person has to contribute to the conversation. It also means letting go of the insecurities and voices which, for whatever reason, say, “You’re not enough.” The truth is, I am enough and when I slow down, and listen to what others have to express, I can actually do some amazing things.
The other day, for instance, I was having a conversation with one of my students. He’d come to me with a question. I couldn’t help but smile as I would begin to answer his question I never had the opportunity to finish a sentence! He would always interrupt with his own bit of information! I think I had a smile on my face from the instant the conversation moved in the direction of his interruptions. It occurred to me how much work it really must have been for him to not only ask his questions, but to interrupt with the answers I began as well. And, moments after that, in a conversation with another student, where the second student was, in my opinion, frustrated and lashing out, I was keenly aware of wanting to not allow him to finish his sentences, but to interject my own thoughts during his dressing me down. Still, having been interrupted so many times just a few minutes earlier, I was keenly aware of how important it was to allow this man to express what was bothering him. I believe it served me well, to not interrupt my second student, as uncomfortable as it was to hear him criticize me. In fact, I attempted to use what I’d learned in Imago teaching to repeat back to him what I’d heard in order for him to feel heard. It seemed to have worked well, because later when this student had a conversation with the training center administrator, he never mentioned the blow-up he’d had with me. I like to think he considered his point made and deemed I had indeed paid attention to what was bothering him. If only all of life worked that easily when someone feels frustrated.
A bigger part of listening, not interrupting, has made me aware of a great gift the Universe has provided me. I am by no means a psychologist, a therapist or any other kind of ‘ist’. I have learned, though, when another person is willing to trust I am paying attention to what they want to express, especially when what they are saying has to do with a painful event in their life, I have the means of walking through a healing with them, hand-in-hand. There have been many times in fact, during the course of the men’s work I began doing in December of 2000, where I’ve been able to guide another, either gently or more vigorously, to a place where the pain can be put aside and something beneficial can begin. I always feel incredibly humble the Universe has decided to use me as a conduit to allow such events to happen. To see another person on the other side of suffering is a gift the likes of which exists no where else in my life. It was never easy, but learning to listen is truly a reward to be grateful for.
Listening, without interrupting, additionally allows me to stay present in the moment. John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” When I’m listening to another person fully, it’s about living life in just that moment. The interruptions are really saying, “Hey, I’ve got something else to do. Let’s get on with this, can we?” Staying focused on what’s right in front of me, and giving the other person or persons my attention without interrupting keeps me focused on living life right where I am. An exercise I did in a training once, asked the question, “I am right here, right now. Any doubts?” I’m working to always be able to say, “No doubt.”
How Am I Changing?: By listening, without interruption I not only become a better me, I allow you to become a better you.
