Category: Introspective

I grew up in a family where Mom & Dad were Depression Era children. Some of what they learned as children themselves, they passed on to me. Sometimes that served me. Many times it did not.

One example of the latter is never ask someone for anything which I might think would be an inconvenience to that person. Someone would invite me for dinner, for example. “Oh, having an extra body at the table might be an inconvenience. No, thanks, I’ll just eat at home.”

Yesterday, February 15, 2022, was my 70th birthday. For many, many birthdays, I celebrated alone. I didn’t ask anyone because they might feel obligated to come, or worse, they might feel obligated to pay for my dinner or whatever the celebration entailed. Heaven forbid I would inconvenience even my closest friends with that. Mom’s voice in the back of my brain: “Don’t inconvenience your friends.”

Except, Mom’s been gone since 1979. It ain’t her voice. It’s mine. And not a very helpful or productive one. Certainly, not a very self-loving one.

This year, the beginning of my 70th trip around the sun, I didn’t care. Well, that’s not true. I did care. But I vowed to work past it. When my closest friend in Dallas-Fort Worth texted me just to check in, I asked for what I wanted. And, that was for him to come celebrate my birthday with me.

Still, I didn’t want to inconvenience him, so I told him I would take him to dinner. His answer? “By the way your attempt at scare tactics in order to buy dinner doesn’t work with me… I insist… Are you kidding me? 🤪😂😁😍”

OMG. Would I really have to let him pay for dinner? Kind of a selfish act to ask someone, even my closest friend, to come celebrate me. Especially if it might obligate him (in my mind, not his) to pay for the celebration. Did I deserve it? What do you think my inner voice said?

And, I was determined. He was coming. And, he was bringing two of our friends with him. His idea, not mine. Goodness, more inconvenience. But what happened in the end?

The four of us went to dinner, had drinks and food, but most importantly, we experienced a wonderful fellowship. For five, marvelous hours. I had pushed through my inner voices and had a great time. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much, out loud, at dinner. I deserved it!

How Am I Changing? I’m starting to push through the ideas which may have served me at some stage of my life, but don’t serve me all that much today.

 

Hello, 2022!

When I began this blog nine years ago, my intent was to publish regularly. Not such a silly desire. But, I also set an unrealistic imposition. I had to publish no less than one thousand words for every post. Silly. What happened? I would almost always hesitate to publish because I didn’t know if I could or would write a thousand word tome each and every time. The result? I hardly published at all during the last nine years.

Today, February 16, 2022, that limitation comes off! Whenever I have some thought I want to share, I’ll come here and write. Maybe it will be a thousand words. Maybe, it will be ten.

I thank my brother-of-another-mother Marc Schwartz for helping me see past this silly limitation. Hope you’ll stay for the ride and come back.

How Am I Changing? I’m letting go of things I impose on myself which don’t serve me.

I hold grudges. It’s far from my most endearing quality. But, I do. And, because of that things fester within until there’s a breaking point. It might come early. It may take years to show up. It’s one of the big downsides to holding grudges. One that’s been festering for a long time concerns my family.

There’s not many of us left. Sure, there are lots of cousins and such, but the immediate family is pretty small. My brother and his wife and now the families of their two kids. I’d think with so few persons, and having done as much personal growth work as I have, grudges and festering would not be an issue here. But, they are. Makes me sad. And sad’s bodyguard is anger. That’s usually where it starts, until I give it time to tell anger to get out of the way so I can just be sad. That’s from where I am writing this. Just sad. Anger is somewhere else, but not here.

This grudge, this festering, is about feeling ignored. Feeling left out. I am certain it was not done with malice. I am also certain a part of this is due to me being a single person in a family of families.

It started a few years ago. My brother and his wife have been doing a Hawaiian vacation for about 20 years, give or take. In all that time, I’ve not once been asked if I’d like to go. Friends of the family, another couple, were always asked to join. Just not me. What I make up about that is couples like to spend time with other couples. A lone wheel just doesn’t fit in the equation. Also, another possible factor. A few years ago, I didn’t have the financial means to attend a family gathering. One of the other family paid my way. I am forever grateful for that. It was just how things were then. They’re not that way now. I believe there is some resentment (and maybe fear) about that. I do acknowledge a stumbling block may have been created by it.

Several years ago, I asked for what I wanted. I asked if I could join the trip. No problem. It all seemed great. Except, there was a complication. An injury to one of the family ended the trip before it began. I understood. Really, I did. I figured in a subsequent year, someone would remember the trip planned with me and ask again. Nope. Not one time. But, you can be sure the other couple continued to be asked every year since. I choose to think it’s being the lone wheel. Or the money thing from before. The end result is the same. It simply and purely makes me sad.

There’s an extension of this, too. When my brother turned 70, he organized a trip, again with the Hawaii friends (whom I really like, by the way.) It seemed like a really well thought out, fun time. Skeet shooting, golf (which I don’t play,) learning to fly fish and all at a great, fun resort. Again, I allowed myself to be sad as once again I was not invited. I told myself my brother only turns 70 once, it would have been a way to show him how much he means to me by celebrating that milestone with him. Instead, I allowed this to cause another fester to dwell on while I did a “poor, poor, pitiful me” routine. I don’t really like that about myself. And, I haven’t done much, yet, to change it. But, I think the time is coming. I don’t like wallowing in my own misery. I want to find a way to take care of myself without being unkind or mean to anyone else.

I don’t want to go on and on. There are other instances where I’ve allowed something to have more power over me than I should. Another trip. Other persons invited. Invited myself. Some words said to me which weren’t thought about before releasing them.

Make no mistake. I believe words to be powerful. Both for good or bad. Once uttered, there’s no taking them back. It’s simply left to the one hearing them to decide, consciously or unconsciously, how to deal with them. And, at this point, for myself, almost anything spoken or done, whether innocently or perhaps just without forethought, I’ve allowed to fester and the grudges to grow bigger. Damn!

So, how am I changing? How will I allow this and myself to move forward instead of just festering and causing more pain for and by myself? I’m thinking one way is to distance myself from the sources. It’s not likely my family will change, so one answer might be to interact less and thus avoid the end result even though that end result is mostly self-inflicted. Not the perfect choice, but certainly one to consider. It is said, “Time heals all wounds,” so maybe I just have to find a way to let time heal what I’ve inflicted before I can interact again. It’s worked before with someone significant in my life. So, why not with my family?

Another way? Perhaps just realizing I’m not as important a character in the play my family performs in their lives and allowing that to be OK. It’s not really a measure of my importance or lack of my importance, it’s about how I choose to measure my own importance and not allow the festering to even begin which continues to result in poor, poor, pitiful me over and over. No one inflicts this festering or pain upon me, I simply & purely do it to myself. AND, I WANT TO STOP IT!!

It’s time to get off this merry-go-round of self inflicted stress and distress. Let my family make their choices whether I’m included or not and continue this life journey until Spirit decides it’s time to leave. Possibly my favorite biblical quote should be my beacon moving forward:

Deuteronomy 29:9-28

“I have set before you life & death, the blessing and the curse, ” Moses concludes. “Therefore choose life, so that you may live.”

 

 

 

 

Thanks for spending some time with me.

 

 

 

 

 

For the last couple of days, I’ve been struggling with asking someone for forgiveness. It’s not really that complicated, is it? I would just say something like, “I’m asking your forgiveness for…” whatever I had done. Doesn’t really seem that complicated at all. And yet, it is for me right now.

Here’s the story.

Several decades ago, I was in a relationship with someone. I ended it badly. I don’t have many regrets, but this is one of them. We’ve remained friends for all these years, but distant. We’ve only seen each other a couple of times. No angry words. Nothing untoward. And, nothing better than pleasant, either.

After more than a decade of becoming much more self-aware, the struggle with this is about dealing with it directly. I’m sad about how it ended. I’m afraid of asking for forgiveness. I don’t want to touch that sadness. There’s a huge difference between guilt – having made a mistake, and shame – I am a mistake. Rarely, I mean very rarely, do I ever feel shame. In this case, I do. I know I made a mistake – guilt. But there’s a part of me wondering if I am a mistake – at least on the issue of relationships. Few of my relationships have ended well, including my very short marriage. In this moment, I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with me when it comes to relationships. I’m struggling.

I think of myself as fairly in touch with my emotions and idiosyncrasies. Typically, I don’t have a problem expressing myself. Why, then, am I struggling with this? Is there something inherently wrong with me regarding relationships? Am I just so closed off I self-sabotage any and all relationships I’ve had? I don’t seem to have difficulty living by myself. I’ve done it for the largest portion of my life. And, is that because I’m incapable of sustaining a relationship? Is that a mistake in my DNA? I might not be able to answer these questions. Or, maybe I am able to answer the questions, but there’s a protector side of me keeping me safe – away from the pain of what a sustained relationship might bring. Of course, there’s also the joy a relationship might bring. It’s the battle between those two which seems to be at the core of this life challenge. Regardless of the answers, I very much want to ask for the forgiveness from this person. And, when I do, I want to be heard. I don’t want an ‘Oh, it’s water under the bridge’ kind of response. I want her to hear my plea, and, if willing, offer the forgiveness. So, the hold back is about playing this scene in my head. Not doing it for real. Staying safe, without the risk. Because, the risk is asking for forgiveness and not getting it. The risk is also about asking for the forgiveness and receiving it. The question then seems to be ‘Am I willing to step into the fire, toe to toe and ask for forgiveness?’ In the end, it’s likely to be irrelevant if she forgives me, but am I able to let go of the past and forgive myself.

Buddhist Zen master, Thich Nhat Hahn says compassion is the key to forgiveness. Another truth for me. “In the film The Power of Forgiveness, he is seen reciting his mediation for the “many angry sons and daughters”. In a soft, measured voice he instructs, in meditative breathing, a room full of people who want to move on: “breathing in I see myself as a 5-year-old child; breathing out I hold that 5-year-old child with tenderness. Breathing in I see my father as a 5-year-old boy; breathing out I smile to my father as a 5-year-old boy”. The point is that only when you are able to visualize your father as a fragile and vulnerable 5-year-old, can you begin to understand and feel compassion for the person he has become.” (http://theforgivenessproject.com/thich-nhat-hanh-compassion-the-key-to-forgiveness/) Compassion, especially towards myself was and is a challenge. I have to believe in my own fragile and vulnerable 5-year-old and hold that vision in order to move forward.

Forgiveness, then, is not about the act of asking for it, it’s about loving myself enough to have compassion for the 21-year-old and for all of my ages when relationships are/were difficult. I’m not some superman. I’m not invulnerable. Quite the contrary. I’m very vulnerable. Deaths hurt. Lost relationships hurt. To move forward requires standing with the hurts and the pain and not only acknowledging them, but embracing them. Cursing them for the pain, and blessing them for the wisdom they bring. As a photojournalist, I know there cannot be white without black.

I will ask for the forgiveness. Any answer I might get from someone else, can only be added to the answer I give to myself.

How Am I Changing? I’m still looking for answers. It’s in the questions the answers may be found. I just have to be willing to ask the questions.

 

As I write this, I’m 63-years-young. Except for one ten year period from 38-48 and three years from 53-56, I’ve lived alone since I was 24. Most of the time, I’m OK with that. But, sometimes, just sometimes, I’m not.

Today, while I was on the treadmill, I heard a song by Collin Raye. It’s called “Love, Me” Here’s the beginning of it.

I hear something like this, or I go to a movie and watch some kind of a love story unfold onscreen and I get sad. I think about all I’ve missed in the 39 years I’ve lived on my own. No great love to spend my time with. No one waiting for me to come home. And, I have to remind myself it’s a choice; not always one I’m happiest about and I’d bet it’s not one I’ll choose to change in the near future. The question I’m asking myself is what’s the payoff to being by myself?

I recognize there were three times in my life where there was a special relationship. One of those, I made a huge mistake in leaving. One, she left me; but I did nothing to try and win her back. The third, I married only to find out neither of us was willing to do the work to make it a marriage. It ended after only three years.

My belief is I’m lazy. In work, when I have a job, I work hard. I don’t however, do the really hard work which for a sole proprietor is the marketing.  I get by. On this blog, I haven’t been willing to “Hit 500 balls until your hands bleed.” It’s been nearly nine months since my previous post. A part of that I can attribute to that overbearing feeling, fear. I had a post in the can from seven months ago. I was afraid it might cause some hard feelings. I sat on it and eventually did publish it. Hard feelings? People mad at me? Not yet. Maybe never. Once upon a time, when I let myself run unfiltered, I got myself in a lot of hot water. It’s the time I refer to as my ‘Peck’s Bad Boy’ era. Once I started walking around consciously aware of that behavior, the part of me I call the ‘Risk Manager’ steered me in the opposite direction: overly cautious about what I do and say. But, I stray…

Lazy. It’s easier for me to be alone than to work at being in a relationship. Yet, I see relationships, on film, in real life, in a song and it’s what I long for. Not willing to “Hit 500 Balls until your hands bleed.” I want happily ever after. I want to write a song about it. Yeah, right. If I wanted it that badly, I’d be willing to do the work. What’s the payoff for remaining alone?

I believe another part of me, another area I can attribute to the ‘Risk Manager’ is I’m terrified of having someone leave, by choice or by death. It’s true for me about pets, also. In 1998-99, I lost my first cat; he was preceded by two dogs. I vowed never to get another pet because of the grief. It overwhelms me in the short term. It may be only two weeks, that’s about how long I cried when my last pet died in December. It seems like the pain of the loss will never go away. And…it will. I’m just not willing or wanting to deal with it. That sense of loss is exactly what I felt the first time I walked into my house after my divorce. It was unbearable. It lasted two weeks. Two weeks! Out of nearly 3,300. Something’s not adding up right? Not necessarily. Those two weeks, grieving for a pet or for the loss of someone in my life are enough of a deterrent for me to keep me living on my own. Sad, maybe, but it’s a reality in my life. What’s the payoff?

I get to live comfortably in the world I’ve created for myself. I don’t have to stretch into anything. I don’t have to work at anything. I can avoid both the success and failure of a relationship. I can avoid both the pain and the joy. I can continue with things being ‘just so’ without fearing the outcome. I can continue to see films about relationships or listen to songs about them and be sad about that missing part of my life. I can be happy and sad. I can live the life I’ve chosen. Regrets, I have a few (isn’t there a song in that?) For the most part, on most days I’m fine; but sometimes, just sometimes, I’m not.

 

Deuteronomy 29:9-28: “I have set before you life & death, the blessing and the curse, ” Moses concludes. “Therefore choose life, so that you may live.” 

 

 

 

I do. I choose life. With or without a singular relationship. Because, in my life I have relationship with many. Friends, family, new persons who come into my life as customers but turn out to be much more than that. Persons I went to high school with; probably never said more than a dozen words to, but now, through the wonder of the Internet and places such as Facebook, have become some of my closest friends. Persons I have met through New Warrior, Woman Within, The Artist’s Way. Teachers and their families who’ve welcomed me into their lives as if I was always meant to be there. Persons I could call or message on a moment’s notice and get support if needed.

Persons who choose to love me for who I am, warts and all.

When things seem dark or bleak to me, I need only open my eyes to find it’s actually easy to let the light in. Open my eyes! What a concept! Who knew it was that simple?

So, if you come here to the blog, and don’t find something new, don’t give up on me. I’ll meet you when my chores are through; I don’t know how long I’ll be. But I’m not gonna let you down, just you wait and see. And between now and then, till I see you again, I’ll be thinking of you, and you me.
How Am I Changing? I’m looking at my life realistically. And for me, that means accepting the sadness with the joy; the bad with the good; the curses and the blessings. It’s tough sometimes, but so’s life. But not always!

 

2014, I thought this Thanksgiving could be a nightmare, instead, it became one filled with laughter, joy and great times.

This year, plans were for Thanksgiving to be in Denver with my niece, her husband and their two-year-old. Additionally, my brother and sister-in-law would be there. It sounded like a welcome relief to a year where I lost my job, had major surgery and was just a bit unsure of the future. (It often seems I’m unsure of the future, yet, when I remain positive and put my faith in the Universe and its ability to provide what I focus on, all turns out in a very positive spin.)

After purchasing my airfare, and several weeks out from the trip, I heard via my brother plans could change because my great nephew would be getting some surgery to correct a problem with his feet. At some point, as time passed, this became a reality. What to do? Call the airlines, change my ticket to go to San Jose instead and pay the change and ticketing fees. Just a little annoyed at this juncture.

A few weeks later, I again hear from my brother. Plans have changed and we’re heading back to Denver. The prospect of yet another change fee and possible airfare increases did not make me happy. Now, this trip was costing me double the original price. My old friend fear, I’m now without a job and the independent work I do is sporadic, manifests in not unexpected ways…I’m getting angry. What amazes me, more than a lot of things, is how fear and anger can still have such a ferocious hold on my well-being. In my mind, I think I should be well beyond this. I know from experience, if I focus on the positive outcome as opposed to the negative, that outcome is the one which will prevail. Yet, those old tapes, the ones begun so many years ago, continue to want to be the dominant ones and often, are.

When I’m told my niece still hasn’t decided her family will be able to make it back to Denver in time for Thanksgiving to actually happen, my fear and anger reach their peak. I tell my brother I think it’s best if I just don’t come. In my heart-of-hearts I know this is completely untrue, yet the stubborn, fearful me considers it a victory. The other part of me, the loving, joyful, loyal one, knows unequivocally it’s an out and out lie. I allow the fearful me to ‘win’ in this moment.

About two weeks later, that other me says, “Let’s just check the airfare to see if going is even remotely possible.” So, I do. Remember what I said about the Universe? What you focus on grows. I check the airfare, the fearful me is SURE the cost will be outrageous and he can be content he stood his ground. The airfare, wait for it, is actually substantially less than the last check. Universe 100,001, me -10. I humbly text my brother to ask if I’m still invited. He has a marvelous reply, “You were never uninvited.”

The day of travel finally arrives. My flight is slightly delayed. No biggie, my brother and sister-in-law are getting in three hours later than I am and there’s time to kill at the airport. The flight is uneventful. Arriving in Denver, I find a nice little restaurant in the terminal and have a lovely steak sandwich. It’s all off to a good holiday. When the others arrive, we get the car my nephew has left at the airport, and head off to my niece’s home. It’s a little later than I’m usually up, but it goes pretty well.

The two-year-old is uncomfortable because of his surgery and having to sleep with corrective shoes on. Poor little guy, none of it makes sense to him, nor should it at this age. During the day, he’s quite cranky from lack of sleep, but not in ways I might expect. He’s also quite shy. Reminds me of his uncle (my niece’s brother) when he was little. Most of the time, I’m laughing or chuckling at the curves the Universe throws at me.

We have a pretty good meal purchased from a French restaurant. Everyone, including moi, seem to be having a pretty good time. The Universe is teaching me yet again, joy can be just as easy as fear and anger, and so much more pleasant. I continue to wonder why the latter, then, continues to show up first so often.

As the weekend continues, things get better, then get worse. A Colorado football game with my nephew and his wife turns out to be a great time, as expected. Then, the grumpy curmudgeon shows back up around dinner time. I knew, or should have known, coming into this weekend, things would possibly focus around my grand nephew. So, when dinner plans are made closer to my niece’s home in Arvada, rather than someplace halfway between there and Boulder, where my nephew lives and where I’m now staying, I allow myself to become agitated, yet again. It’s a very average meal at a Mexican restaurant. I ought to know better than to be a Texan having Mexican food in Colorado. I don’t think that was so much the issue as all the photos being made. As a former photojournalist, there’s just something about ‘snapshots’ I don’t like and become uncomfortable with. My inner take on this has to do with having not worked on my personality disorder all those years ago. The result, I was fired at every newspaper I worked at and after my last job in 1983, I was unable to continue in the profession I loved the most. I don’t think there’s a day I don’t wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to shape up before he loses the thing most dear to him. So, I rarely shoot snapshots and for the most part don’t like being in them, either.

Sunday, the last day of the trip. The family has planned an outing to the Rocky Mountain Toy Train Show. I know from the onset I’m going to be miserable – it’s a choice and I don’t like having made it. I just hate these kind of shows. They bore the heck out of me. And, in this case, I have absolutely zero interest in model trains. I’m resentful, again, I’m doing something because the little guy will enjoy it. I am, and always have been clear, I’m simply not a children-person. The question I’m asking myself: why didn’t I just have them drop me off at a Starbucks or someplace where I could have just read a book and relaxed? A part of me says I didn’t want to inconvenience others; another part says I don’t speak up for myself and would rather just be surly, angry and a general pain-in-the-ass.

Often, I need to get away from what I’m writing to really get to the bottom of things. While all of the above has merit, it’s all just story. After working out at the gym, I realize what the real problem is after checking out my timeline. My grumpiness really started Sunday morning. I received a text message from my cat sitter that one of my 16-year-old cats has sprayed in the house, again. This has been an ongoing problem for the last four or five years. The vet can’t figure it out, and neither can I. I’ve gotten to the point where I really want to put him down rather than continue to clean up and check up on him two or three times a day. He’s been on prozac for the last year or so, and that seems to have helped. But, he continues to spray and anyone who’s ever been around cats knows how bad this can be.

So, my problem is/was I didn’t feel there was anyone in the family I could really talk to about this. Not the spraying, but whether or not to put him down. It’s a horrible place to be and it’s a terrible thing for me to think I can’t really talk about this to anyone in my family. My solution is/was an old one. Retreat into my own world and damn anyone around me. Making things worse for myself, I didn’t want to go the train show. Compound the whole mess and I turn into someone I don’t like and don’t want to be. (Update: I didn’t have to make the decision. A month after I wrote this, he died. Made me very sad, and at the same time I was glad I didn’t have to decide on my own and the problem is no longer a problem. Again, I need to be careful what I ask from the Universe, it just might be granted.)

And…this was Thanksgiving weekend. There’s so much to be thankful for. I lost track of that. I’m disappointed in myself, and that, too, is OK. As long as there’s a lesson and I’m willing to look for it, I can continue to work on being the best me I can be. I’m grateful for a lot, including the opportunity to take a look at another part of me I want to work on.

How Am I Changing? I’m willing to look deeply at both the blessings and the other things which occur in my life. How about you? Do you see both the good and the bad or just one or the other?