Integrity. The dictionary defines it as (an) adherence to a code of values : utter sincerity, honesty, and candor. It might also be defined as taking responsibility for your life, owning all of who I am. It can be a tough lesson to learn, even when I think I’ve already learned it.
I began learning about integrity in a bigger way about 12 years ago on a Friday evening. It was a very cold night in December of 2000 and a little man with a stick, was talking about integrity to a group of 29 of us. On that particular night, the lesson centered around an agreement we had all signed with particular interest in the time we had agreed to arrive at this gathering. There was a 30 minute window when we could arrive and “be on time.” If we arrived earlier, there was a lesson taught around that. Same for arriving late. But, as I was to learn with time, it really wasn’t about being early or being late, it was about doing what I said I was going to do. It can be an easy lesson to learn, but for many, including me, it was a lesson which could be learned and forgotten and learned again. This was exactly the case this past Tuesday.
I was meeting with some friends; friends who I know hold me accountable to do what I say I will do. And, while ultimately this is the lesson, doing what I say I will do on this particular Tuesday, my brain was latched on how often this lesson of integrity is tied to time.
The agreed upon time for meeting this Tuesday was 6:30 pm. I had been on the phone with a friend of mine and got caught in traffic after leaving my house later than I knew was probably wise. On my drive to this meeting, I was noticing what was happening within me. I was nervous. My blood pressure was probably a tad high. My heart was certainly beating faster. All of this, because I knew the men waiting for me would hold me accountable (if I wasn’t willing to hold myself accountable) for being late. If even only a few minutes late.
I was thinking to myself, “Why am I still getting worked up about being late to a meeting?” Jimminy, it had been 12 years almost since the lesson about time accountability had first worked its way into my conscious thinking. “There’s nowhere else in my life where I worry about being a few minutes late or early for that matter,” is what I was thinking. Why were we, the men who were coming together, the only one’s I knew who were hung up about time. It was bull crap and I was going to say so.
I did arrive late. The meeting had already begun. The men gathered were discussing business. I actually believed I might not have to deal with being late. I thought the business would take up the whole night. In truth, I was actually hoping this was the case. And, as is usual, the Universe had different plans for me.
We got to a point in the evening where the leader of the meeting asks if anyone present has an awareness of having not kept an agreement made with the others in the group. I promptly raised my hand and said I realized I was out of integrity. I’d agreed to be there at 6:30 and I was late. I went into my story, it was my story, about how 12 years had transpired and I didn’t understand why this group was still dealing with persons showing up late. Blah, blah, blah. I said I thought it was bull crap. I thought I was presenting my case eloquently and the others would all see my logic and say, “Yeah, Donny, you’re right. Dealing with this time thing is a waste of time. Let’s move on.” Right? Guess again!
Frank, the person in the leader seat, acknowledged he’d heard me. Even repeating he’d heard me call it bull crap. He began taking me down a road I’d been down before. This particular set of questions is designed to allow me to discern what consequences might result from the choices I make. I was very familiar with it. Hell, many times during the last 12 years, I’d done the questioning. I went along for the ride.
At one point, a man I know well, John, walked around the circle of chairs we were all sitting in to where Frank was sitting to whisper something to him. This was intended to keep this exercise from turning into a mess where many in attendance would all be offering suggestions to me at the same time. But, I really wanted John to tell me what his thoughts were. I didn’t want any go-between because John typically has great insights and I know him to be an excellent teacher. John consented and he began asking me some other questions. I don’t remember what they were, but I kept talking about time and how 12 years later this group of men, all of whom knew each other quite well, were still hung up about time. John was attempting to help me see the issue was bigger than just time, it was about making an agreement and not keeping it. I kept talking about time. I believe John, normally a very patient, gentle instructor, got frustrated and after yet another reference to time by me he raised his voice and said, “I don’t know why you’re still talking about time!”
A third man rang in. Ed, reminded me it really wasn’t about time or anything else. It was about agreements. Was there an agreement made? Yes, I said. Had I kept my agreement? No, I said. Had there been a consequence, intended or not to not keeping my agreement. Again, yes. “So, it’s not about right or wrong, shame or blame, it’s about “I made a mistake.””, Ed concluded. Those last words, “I made a mistake,” were the words I needed to hear to bring this matter to a close. I had made a mistake in my choosing to stay on the phone instead of honoring my agreement to be on time. My choice had resulted in a consequence and tonight that repercussion was I was late. I had no problem putting this matter to rest but looking at every person at the meeting and saying, “I made a mistake.” It was actually liberating. Several teachers had shown up to instruct me about how integrity works or doesn’t work for me.
There’s also another paradigm here to consider. When the agreements I’m making don’t work well for me, I always have the option to change the agreement. I believe it takes a lot of courage and conviction, to be the odd voice out in a group. Going against the norm can seem like being the contrarian. It can also mean having the convictions of my boundaries to let others know about them.
One of the educators I’ve had the extreme pleasure of knowing in the last decade is a man named Jim Mitchell. Jim is a large man in every sense of the word. And, I can’t recall ever having been with him when I haven’t learned something which was so thought provoking it took me aback. One of those lessons has to do with boundaries. Applying that to this discussion on agreements, it might go something like this:
I get to decide: Who to have my agreements with; What agreements I will make; When I make agreements; Where I make agreements; How I make agreements; Why I make agreements.
And so do you.
It’s a two-way street. It’s about the interactions I have with everyone else in my life. And the bottom line is: The agreements I make are intended to be honored. When I fail at honoring those agreements, it only benefits me to be able to see, “I made a mistake.”
How Am I Changing? Some lessons, while easily learned, may have to be repeated in time.
