bless - How Am I Changing?...Or Not!

I live alone. I’ve lived alone most of my adult life. I’m 62 years young.

Just a few months ago, I had a cervical discectomy at three levels. In less complicated terms, I had four cervical discs in my spine which through time had degenerated to the point where they needed to be cleaned up and fused. The symptoms I was having was loss of sensation in my hands. I couldn’t type. I could barely tie my shoes. I was dropping things. I had lost a huge amount of feeling in my hands. After many months of struggling with this and trying things such as acupuncture, electromyography, various meds, chiropractic, physical therapy and I can’t remember what else, I saw a neurologist. He did an MRI which finally showed the cause to be the degenerating discs. After a few more months of struggle, I picked a surgeon to ‘make me better.’ I have a great neurosurgeon. The result is about a 95% return of my hand use. I’m astounded almost every day.

For about five weeks after the surgery, I hired a friend of mine to take care of me and my cats. Really, the most important thing was the cats. The doctor had told me I shouldn’t bend below my knees and the cats eat on the floor, so what I needed most of all was someone to feed them twice a day. I also needed some personal care right after the surgery. Changing the dressing on my neck, transportation (I wasn’t supposed to drive) and sundry other things. I wasn’t paying him much but early on, I was expecting more than I had a right to.

About three days after the surgery, I had an incapacitating event related to the surgery. It was something so intense, I called the local fire department for help. I had never, and I mean never, had anything like this happen to me before. There was nothing the EMTs could do short of taking me to the ER. I didn’t want to do that, so I called another friend. He and his wife came to my aid, thank the heavens.

You might ask, “Why didn’t you call your friend you were paying?” And that’s where I’m headed.

He was involved with a local men’s training he and I are a part of. He wasn’t really reachable. And…it was neither his responsibility or fault he was out of pocket. I wasn’t paying him for round-the-clock care. I had retained his services for feeding the cats and doing little things for me when he could. Surprisingly, for me, I wasn’t angry I couldn’t reach him. I was angry with myself for not having thought how I might need him in the days immediately following the surgery. I was angry at myself, for trying to do things, as I have often done, on the cheap. More than that, I was angry & very sad about the choice I’ve made to live alone. Why should I have to pay someone at all to take care of me? And, yet, that, is the consequence of the choice. By choosing to live alone, I also choose to make alternative arrangements to get the care I need when necessary. This, then, became one of the times where I was not happy about living alone. And, there’s yet a third lesson in all this. I’m fortunate enough to have friends, such as the couple who came to my rescue, who will come if asked. The work, is in the asking.

I’m the son of depression era parents. I did not grow up in an affluent family. We by no means struggled, but neither did we live in luxury. What I learned from my parents was to be cautious about money. I will often consider the price of something, even food at the grocery store or at a restaurant, when making a decision. Although recently, I was making a salary where that really didn’t need to be a consideration, I continued to do so. It’s one of the things which cost me my friend’s help when I needed it.

Surprisingly, I will often not be quite so austere when it comes to an impulse buy of one of my toys; typically some electronic item I think I need or want. So the question I have for myself here and now is why? How does it or does it not serve me to continue being frugal over my daily care or food but not so over materialistic items? Why, do I continue to weigh the difference of a dollar here or a dollar there for many necessities? (By the way, while in my opinion I am materialistic, I don’t drive a fancy car or live in a house which says anything about success or money.) I find it an interesting paradox. Trying to love myself more, and yet, staying with old non-blessing habits. The dilemma then is how to love myself more AND do more things which bless me. Not just to simply allow myself the ‘possessions’ which give me a sense of pleasure or well-being, but to allow myself basic needs, such as food or care when I need or want them. For these needs, is it simply the “I’m not good enough” syndrome? Is it the lessons from my parents? Is it a combination of these two? I think so. I think nourishing myself, whether by food or care just seems extravagant. It seems such a silly thing to say, yet it has a ring of truth for me. The question I want to answer then, is this the way I choose to live my life? I really hope it is not. While I don’t want to place myself under an economic hardship, I also don’t want to have missed out on living in a way I will regret. I don’t want to be the guy on my death bed who says, “Gee, I wish I had taken better care and loved myself more.”

So what’s the small step I’m willing to take moving forward? I’m making a commitment to myself to stop penny-pinching on things like food or care. If something is within my means, by George, I deserve to go for it. Whether it’s a meal at Joe’s Stone Crabs (I hardly ever get back to my roots in Miami) or ponying up to have someone take care of me when I might not be able to. It’s the right time to say, “Yes!” instead of “Maybe” or “Someday.” There might not be enough “Somedays” left. While I am young-at-heart and in good health, there’s no way of knowing when the call to go ‘Home’ will come. (I’ve promised myself when that time comes, I won’t try to barter for extra time. I’ll go with the peace of having done what I can in this life as well as I was able. Isn’t that what writing this blog is about?)

Are there things in your life you don’t bless yourself with? Leave a comment if you feel brave; I do believe it takes courage to talk about these things. Courage, is something I am finding I have more of. Ever since, December 2000.

How Am I Changing?: I’m willing to bless myself more when it’s called for. I want to live a life of fulfilling my desires. And, by asking for help, when I need it. That may in fact be the bigger challenge.

(Ed. note: I finished this more than a year ago. Why I continued to not publish it, I’m not clear on (see the part on “not good enough.”) )

Goal missed. Being kind to myself, priceless.

A little more than a year ago, I said I would write three posts in the next two months. I failed to keep that commitment to myself and to you, the reader. I have a couple of choices. I can beat the snot out of myself for missing my goal, or I can be kind to myself, admit I’m human with all the warts and freckles, and move on. I’m choosing the latter.

A question I’m asking myself right now is what was more important to me than keeping my promise to write? The simple answer is I’m a procrastinator. And, I’m lazy. While I’d rather be busy than sitting around doing nothing, that’s exactly what I chose: Do nothing.

There still is a part of me who thinks, no one will read this. No one really cares. But, taking the elevator down one more level, the answer is still: I’m not good enough. As I examine my life, I know that’s a worn out fable. Not true. Absolute lie. So, what’s the payoff to me to keep holding on to it?

By continuing to draw on that very old excuse, I get to stay small. Invisible. “As I was walking up the stairs, I met a man who wasn’t there. He wasn’t there again today. I wish that he would go away.” (From the film, Identity) I also remember a quote often attributed to Nelson Mandela, but which really comes from Marianne Williamson:

“ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Who are you not to be?

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that others won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us: it’s in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

My desire here is to liberate myself from the fear. To manifest my greatness in all the glory I was meant to share on this planet. And yet, knowing this, there is still an undercurrent of fear which often shows up in my life. Play small. Stay in the darkness. Why? Because if I let my light truly shine, my arrogance might overwhelm me. I might become a real braggart. I might get to the point where even I don’t like me. What may also be true, is I might become more humble. I might like myself even more. I might banish the “I’m not good enough” to a place where I am able to acknowledge that part of me, but realize it’s an old story which simply isn’t true any longer. I might, I might, I might.

Where do I go from here? That’s such a powerful question. Not only does it apply to my writing, this writing, but it’s a question I really want to look at daily. Where do I go from here? What’s the next step? Where am I going with the time I have left on planet Earth? Who do I want to travel with? How do I want others to see me? How do I really want to see myself? How do I want to be remembered when I’m gone? So many questions. Alright, I’ll do my best to answer some of them.

I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference. Sometimes, that difference might be about work. More often, it will be about how I made a difference in my own and other’s lives. Will I bless others and will I allow myself to be blessed? Not just on the surface, but deep down in my very core. Imagine, I ask myself, how would life be different when I live a life of purpose? Will those around me see me? More importantly, will I allow me to see myself? I’ve done that to a degree over the last 13 years. Perhaps, now, today, it’s time to ramp that up a little more. Be bigger. Be bolder. Be as magnificent as heaven intended. I want to make a difference.

I want to see myself as a man of integrity. When I make a commitment to do something, I do it. No excuses for why I didn’t do it. Just get it done as said. I’m usually pretty good at this. I falter. I’m not a saint. Yet, some of the simplest things, like writing three times in two months, sometimes present the biggest stumbling blocks. Why is that? Why is it easier sometimes to do the harder things and the easier things present the greatest challenges? All good questions to struggle with moving forward. Like a shark; move forward, or die.

I want others to see me as a good teacher and a better student. I’ve always been the latter. Only recently began working on the former. I’ve had great role models from which to learn. Persons who lead workshops. Persons who teach kids. Persons who run successful businesses. All these persons I’ve either studied or been allowed to learn from. All great teachers in their own right. Seeing the light turn on for a student is one of the most rewarding things I’ve done in my life.

To be seen as someone who cares about others. And to be seen as authentic. No BS. Telling it like it is; with compassion. I had a great lesson in this recently. A man I know and was spending a weekend with, along with more than 40 others, was just triggering the anger in me over and over. He also triggered another friend of mine. I would have been like a gunfighter of old. “Let’s meet in the street at noon and have a gunfight.” What I saw my friend do was to approach the man creating the trigger with compassion. I was in awe. What I hope for myself is to have learned something about the compassionate way the man was approached. If I am able to do this part of my life better, what a more fulfilling life I will have for myself! (Unfortunately, the guy creating the trigger continued throughout the weekend to behave exactly the same and nothing ultimately was resolved.)

So, in the end, as I publish this, finally, I’m recounting Nelson Mandela’s words: powerful beyond measure. While today has been a sad day, it is the day after Robin Williams’ alleged suicide, I’m choosing, at this moment to think about how powerful his life was and how lucky I was to be witness to some of it. Not his private moments, but his public ones. The moments when seeing him on screen I thought, “What a great talent.” There must have also been great pain there, too. I can only hope his choice was powerful beyond measure for him. For me, it’s just a day to grieve.

How Am I Changing: I can choose to let my imperfections show; the writing doesn’t always have to be perfect, the relationships don’t always have to be the way I want. And, it’s OK to grieve publicly.

What about you? Is there something you want to change? How about finding something small to start? It’s just an idea.

Tag: bless

Taking Care of Myself…Maybe Not

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure