I’ve been fortunate to have many powerful, loving, intelligent women in my life.
Until I was 27, I had my Mom. I can remember coming home from college and staying up very late just talking to Mom about anything and everything. I made a mistake, maybe, once by getting her to ask me if I was doing drugs. After I said yes (it was the 60s and 70s after all) it took me six hours to convince her I wasn’t going to kill myself. In hindsight, it may have been better to have just let that dog lay. There were so many conversations. Right now, they’re a blur. As some surface, I may post them here if they seem relevant. Mom was taken from me in 1979 by someone who shouldn’t have been driving a car. I think you understand.
Another of the wonderful women in my life is my sister-in-law, Valerie (I prefer to simply call her my sister; she is like the sister I never had.) Funny, when she first got serious with my brother, more than 40 years ago, we didn’t like each other very well. To demonstrate how wise this woman is, after a time, she came to me one day and said, “We both love the same man, we really should learn to get along.” It took some time and work on both our parts, but ultimately we have become the best of friends and I am so grateful for that.
Over the years, Valerie has always been there to see me through both the good times and the not so good times. Through the joys and the sorrows. She’s been one of the steady buoys I’ve always been able to count on. It was a nice turn of events for me back in June of 2009 when I was able to help her through a challenge she was facing.
Valerie’s oldest child, my niece, Karen, was getting married in July. It was, as one might imagine, a huge event for our family. Valerie and I were just sitting out on the deck of her home with my brother, enjoying the weather, having a cool drink and visiting as we usually do when we get together.Val was facing a challenge with the wedding planner. She wanted something done one way, and the wedding planner wanted to do it differently. The incident was causing quite a bit of discomfort for Val.
As we talked, I began asking her questions which would, I hoped, help her move through the block which was keeping her stuck. I asked how she felt about what was going on: Mad, Sad, Glad, Afraid, Ashamed or Guilty, the six primary emotions I’d learned to work with during the previous nine years. Naturally, she said mad. That was good. She was angry and I knew, for me, anger was an acceptable emotion, but also a disguise for something else. When I get angry, it’s usually covering up sadness or fear, and I explained that to Val. I asked her to close her eyes and look inward to see if that might be true for her. After a minute or so, she opened her eyes and said, “Yes, fear.”
“What’s the fear about,” I asked. She took a minute, but then she said she was afraid if things didn’t turn out just so, Karen would be disappointed or perhaps even angry. I looked at her and everything about her was saying this was what was true. She didn’t want to disappoint my niece on any aspect of the wedding. My next question came from a therapist I’d done work with in Dallas. (I’d been in a group for several months trying to figure out how to deal with the breakup of my very short lived marriage.) “What is the most loving thing you can do for you?” I asked. Valerie thought for a bit then said she could work with the wedding planner in a way which would result in a win-win scenario. And she did.
Needless to say, the wedding was a smash (but one of the coldest, I’ve ever been to.) The bride was beautiful, the groom handsome. All the parents, friends and relatives had a grand time. And, what might have taken a lot of positive energy away from the joy Val was experiencing around this important time was averted. It was wonderful to be able to see this important lady in my life move through this block. And…I had helped. I was blessed to have been a catalyst in this instance.
In my younger years, I didn’t have the tools to empathize with someone else’s feelings. In my later years I’ve learned if I leave myself open to the Divine, the Universe will use me as a conductor to do its magic. I’m grateful for the transformation.
How Am I Changing? Being open to listening, hearing and feeling someone else’s discomfort allows me to become a conduit for healing.
